Philly Sports Jabronis
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the city,
Not an Eagles fan was worried, not even Ray Diddy;
The stockings were hung in the lockers at NovaCare,
In hopes the Lombardi Trophy soon would be there.
Fletcher Cox and the D were nestled all snug in their A-gaps,
While Lane Johnson and the O-line all studied their traps;
And Dougie P in his visor, and Howie in his camouflage cap,
Had just settled down for a long bye week’s nap.
When out on the turf there arose an impromptu Slide,
I sprang from the bleachers beaming with Pride;
Away to the concourse I flew like an Eagle,
The Linc ran out of fireworks, this must be illegal!
Then Beast Mode slipped on the new-fallen snow,
And the scoreboard read: Eagles 44 and Raiders 0;
When, what to my deafening ears did I hear?
Thousands of Eagles fans showering Santa with cheer.
With a goofy backup quarterback, so stoic and slick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than the PPA, his passes they came,
And he audibled, and Omaha’d, and called them by name:
“Now, Alshon! Now, Nelson! Now, Trey and Zach!
On, Torrey! On Brent! On, Shelton and Mack!”
Over top of the safety! Sprint to the end zone with clout!
Now dash away! Dash away! Get a high five from Mike Trout!
Now home field is clinched, opponents surely will cry
When they meet the 700 Level, shouting Fly Eagles Fly!
So up to Minnesota the Foles fans they flew,
With a school bus full of beer and a record of 14-2.
I had to pinch myself, in a twinkling, it seemed like a dream
As Merrill Reese read the lineup for a legit Super Bowl team;
I put on my Dawkins jersey, and prayed to St. Reggie a lot
Down the chimney came Jeff Lurie yelling, “This is our shot!”
He was dressed to the nines, from his head to his loafers
And he was crowing aloud on an NFC filled with jokers:
The Vikings, the Saints, the Panthers and the Rams?
Bring on Zeke and the Cowboys, we don’t give two damns!
His eyes – how they twinkled! His eyebrows how furry!
His cheeks were like roses, his hair like a snow flurry!
His wobbly knees were patriotic and poised to genuflect,
To protest social injustice and show Malcolm respect;
A contract extension for Carson he held tight in his pocket,
And bundles of cash protruded from his shiny AO1 locket;
He had a stern face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed and thought of Chip Kelly
He wasn’t chubby or plump, not like that guy in KC
I told him we haven’t won anything since 1960;
A wink of his eye and a click of his pen,
Soon put me in a complete state of Zen
He spoke not a word, just pointed at Ajayi,
As his highlight-reel plays caused me to sigh;
This Eagles team is young and full of potential
Wentz’s torn ACL may prove inconsequential
Lurie sprung to his private jet, Foles gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a North Korean missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, EAGLES FANS BOOK YOUR FLIGHT!
