How to Enjoy the Phillies in 2015: In 140 Characters or Less

For Philadelphia baseball fans, Twitter provides a safe outlet to absorb, and even enjoy, this team.  

By Tim Rinehart

Philadelphia is a dark place right now. Not only did the Delaware water mutate and infect our power lines, causing a rolling brownout throughout the city [citation needed], but sports are freaking dark. It’s not long before they start broadcasting Camden Riversharks games in Philly — they play at the same caliber as every other team in this city does (with the exception of the Eagles, probably).

Watching a Phillies game is a joke. It’s torturous to your liver, your brain and your soul, which was lifted to its highest less than a decade ago, when Brad “The Mole” Lidge threw a pitch to Chooch “Ice Cream” Ruiz, clinching Philly’s first meaningful championship (sorry, the Soul) in decades. It was easy to watch games — even bad ones — back then, because you knew it was building toward a bigger narrative.

However, now it’s like watching open-heart surgery in real time and the patient dies every day. Except the patient has the fortunate gift of death awaiting him at the end. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to get back to our lives, just to watch or listen to the next murderous run of Ryan Howard strikeouts and Ben Revere’s terrible noodle-arm throws.

Fortunately, I have a consolation for you – Phillies Twitter is more entertaining than ever, because they’re either focused entirely on the absurdity of the 2015 Phillies or talking about something else entirely. Here’s a few Twitter handles you should follow right now, they’ll make your game enjoyment so much better:

Roy Halladay (@RoyHalladay) – He never got a ring in Philly, but he’s taking advantage of his retirement to be amazing at Twitter.

@FanSince09 – when not solving crimes using Twitter – has seemed to drop some of the kayfabe personality that characterized his account. But he’s still hilarious, and doing his thing.

@FranzkeLA is a Twitter account dedicated solely to repeating hilarious things that Scott Franzke and Larry Anderson say during a Phillies game so you don’t have to listen to the game yourself.

And then of course, @fakecoatesy is a requirement for Philly sports Twitter reading.

Not a lot of positives to look forward to this season, but you can at least entertain yourself this way.